Goos And Jellies

(Please click on the title for a reading aloud by the author.)

“Vic, what is all this for?” I asked, looking at the array of fancy bottles and jars lined up on the top of her bureau.

“A woman has to have her goos and jellies.” She said and giggled. Lotions, creams, conditioners, ointments, clarifiers and etc. & etc., all various preparations for the care of the epidermis - and the soul.

“Um, Vic,” I shook my head, lifting up my zip-lock bag with a tube of tooth paste, some dental floss, a bar of soap and a bottle of shampoo in it. “This is my complete kit.” I said. I was on a road trip and visiting my sister and her family, but whether on the road or at home, the kit would be about the same. And my guess is, mine is representative of most guy’s kits.

“Women are different.” She said.

I couldn’t agree more, but nonetheless I was puzzled. What does a person do with all of this stuff? Could it be women more easily fall prey to clever marketing, or is there something to it?

Months later Vic was visiting me in New Mexico. We were hanging out, drinking way too much coffee and got talking about the windows at her house and how they were sticking. Vic was frustrated by not knowing what to do about it.

“Sounds like they just need some lubrication.” I said.

“Probably, but I have no idea what to use.” She replied.

“WD-40.” I said. “But not Silicone. Maybe bar soap.” Vic looked at me, not knowing what I was talking about, beyond the soap. “The first two are spray lubes.” I said. “Silicone however, you do not want to use anywhere you might later want to paint.”

A light bulb came on and I sprung from my chair and headed for the garage. I came back with spray cans of silicone, WD-40, lithium grease and a can of 3 in 1 oil. The basics. I lined them up on the table and launched in to a description of their relative properties and uses, then shut my mouth just before Vic’s eyes started to glaze over.

I cringe when I find a mechanism, whether a simple door hinge or the shift linkage on a motorcycle or whatever squeaking and groaning, calling out, begging for some lubrication. It pains me to operate anything in that state, metal on metal. Give me some oil! Anything! Some of the wrong oil is better than none of the right oil. I’ve given friends lube kits – cans of the most common household lubricants – as birthday presents simply because everything they had was so… dry. As Vic found out, I can get pretty excited about oil and grease. Amazing stuff; so many of the machines working for us day in and day out couldn’t do so without films of lubricants only thousandths of an inch thick… keeping metal from metal under extreme pressures and temperatures. Ok, I can feel myself getting worked up so I’ll stop.

Bringing the cans back to the shelf unit on top of the work bench I stopped and looked. Yes, those shelves are stuffed with… goos and jellies! There are 12 cans of spray lubricants, 5 bottles of oils, 5 of fuel additives, 4 types of grease, 7 adhesives, 10 polishes and waxes, 7 solvents (from distilled water to tetrachloroethylene), 11 cans of paint, and 14 various other oddities (from anti-seize paste (2 types, naturally) to leather conditioner). I hope my local EPA representative is not reading this.

And all of a sudden it made sense. Most everyone has some goos and jellies. It’s about our enthusiasm for taking care.

Gordon Bunker